I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
