But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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