I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
