Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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