now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I don't deserve a penis
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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