i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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