My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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