I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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