this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
