If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize