John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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