It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
It was confusing and full of hummus
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
