i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
