I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
