Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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