Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
