I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
