My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
