I like my sex mixed with concussions.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
