On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I want a musical about memes.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
