i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
