Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
worst night to have a conscience
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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