He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
