I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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