Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
