I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
