My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
