I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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