I wish I could punch you in the face.
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
