I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
