You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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