I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
two words: eviction party
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
