I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize