I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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