Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
