Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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