so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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