remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Randomize
