I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
