We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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