what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
