I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
