I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
