so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
