I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
