i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I am one with the molecules
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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