Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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