yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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