we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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