I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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