I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
