I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
