if you like me you must not know who I am
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
