Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
