She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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