Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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