don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
