I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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