i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize
